Major Events Start The Month Off!
Major Changes are at hand as the Peloton rolls into the heart of the Spring Classics. PEZ gets the exclusive first look, as we swing into April…
UCI EXECUTIVES TO BE ELECTED
In a shocking announcement, the UCI have decided that all executive level officials’ positions will require a majority vote of members of the Professional Peloton. An unnamed extremely high placed official said “No longer will there be a stagnant power vacuum. We will have term limits so that the leadership is incentivized to move in the sport and athletes best interests, rather than simply solidifying their own positions”. When asked about a time table for implementing this ground breaking move, the Official said “As soon as all of the officials here are dead or retired we will immediately move to have these elections every 3 years, and No official will hold office more than two terms.”
WADA APPOLOGIZE FOR DESCRIMINATION
In an interview with a ranking Official close to executives at WADA, the statement was made to the effect that the organization was sorry for unfairly “singling out Tour De France riders”. The source commented; “We would hate to have any hint of discrimination here at WADA, especially from the office of the president! So in an effort to be completely fair to classics riders, and those taking part in the Giro, Vuelta, and other various races, WADA would like to include them as Dopers too so as not to leave anyone out.”
The Official also went on to clear the air regarding the perception that WADA are at odds with the UCI and said; “We are not at odds with the UCI and would, in fact, like to pattern ourselves more after the UCI. To that end we are immediately going to spend massive amounts of money on the one issue so critical to both WADA and the UCI. A posh new headquarters!”
Pez obtained a photograph of the proposed new building.
The official continued; “The UCI spent Millions on their new place, and did so while riders were still looking for wages from folded teams and crap management. We feel that this drove the only clean riders left to take drugs, so to be fair to those cyclists, we will divert lots of money from testing in order to build a new HQ.”
TEAMS MERGE TO FIGHT “ZEE MAN”
As the tour nears, Mario Cipollini’s Domina Vacanze team have decided that, if Kelme can get a tour snub, they are not safe from an ASO about face.
In order to better guarantee that Jean Marie LeBlanc will not screw Cipo and drop his team, should Super Mario find his sprinting legs and start winning again (thereby jeopardizing the 1- 20 Chance of a French stage win), Domina will merge with French team Chocolade Jacques.
The new team will be called Chacolade Cipo. And Mario is rumored to have another Prologue suite designed that will prominently display the anatomic figure, and in holding with good taste, the new Kit of Chacolade Cipo will be without nuts.
PHONAK TO BETTER PROTECT TYLER IN THE GRAND TOURS
Team Phonak have sent a petition the UCI and the world Patent organization to allow a special uniform for Tyler to be used only in the Grand Tours. Pez obtained a mock up drawing of the new uniform that will cover Tyler from head to toe.
Phonak Officials said; “It is not an aerodynamic aid, and will simply provide a little better protection against falls. We are hoping that the UCI will show more of their forward thinking, as we will also have to have a slightly more sloping top tube in order to allow for the large crotch area. We are also hoping that our tire sponsor Continental will let this new look go without a fuss and that the Michelin guys and the World Patent body will look the other way for about 7 weeks so that we can use it for both the Giro and Tour.”
When asked what they would do if having him ride uninjured didn’t seem to work, the team said; “We know how he rides when hurt, so if he’s not in the top 5 on GC heading into the 7th stage, we will peel him out of the suit and run him down with the team car.”
FRENCH APPLY MORE STAFF REQUIREMENTS
The FFC say that they have evidence that their new requirement, that anyone giving a massage be required to have a Physical Therapy Medical License, is working out perfectly. An Official said; “we have twice as much evidence to justify our findings as Dick Pound had against those nasty Tour Riders, and are very confident that our Medical License requirements are changing the sport for the good. Therefore we will add several additional requirements to the staff of all teams racing in France”.
The list reads:
All team Directors must now have a Masters degree in Finance and Logistics and a doctorate in Communications. All Team Doctors must now play a classical musical instrument and those holding veterinarians Licenses are only allowed on riders named Tin-Tin or Vandenbroucke. All Publicists must have won a Nobel Prize in Literature. All Team car drivers must hold a Formula One License, and as of right now, the only person qualified to run a Motorbike on course anywhere in the France is Moto GP World Champion Valentino Rossi (although Max Biaggi insists that he would qualify too if he would have had a better bike…).
MANZANO TO LEAVE SPAIN AND WORK WITH INDEPENDENT DOPE TESTING FACILITY
The prospective employment at Amore & Vita for Jesus Manzano may not come to pass after all. Apparently the Pope refused to continue to Bless the team when, as the pope held his hand up to make the sign of the cross, Manzano’s head started to spin around like an Owl, and his Body levitated as he began to throw up. According to Vatican officials, Manzano also had not waited the mandatory 90 days between Finding a conscience and loosing a Division 1 Contract.
But all opportunities have not been exhausted as Manzano has reportedly agreed to try and earn a living putting his cycling knowledge to use in a job with an independent drug testing facility.
Pez Cycling was on hand as a baseline Urine sample was to be given 48 hours after Manzano ingested one half dose of every single thing from the list of substances he reportedly took at Kelme, and two of everything found in Edita Rumsas car boot.
Our photographer was on hand and captured this image, just as the sample was given.
Apparently the laboratory had nothing directly within reach that would hold the sample, as it kept eating through containers. Manzano couldn’t stop giving the sample because “it kinda burns when I stop”, and the resulting spill caused considerable damage to the concrete floor.
The Good news is that a quick thinking Technician ran into the basement as the sample ate through to the storage room where he grabbed a container made for holding sulfuric acid and finally caught the peepee. The sample was captured and, using testing standards that are thought to be 5 times more sensitive than the UCI’s, the technicians went to work.
The tests came out negative, but the lab technicians are upbeat, as they are fairly certain that “the floor filtered out the doping products.” They will keep at it, while holding further samples for a possible military application in the future.
Happy April first.
And yeah, for those folks that take things too seriously, its April fools day, so everything (except maybe the thing about the French Regulations) is false…